If you’re easily offended by fart jokes (or feces jokes), please don’t continue reading. If it doesn’t bother you, consider adding some to the comments.
There are two flies sitting on a pile of poop. When one fly farts, the other fly looks at him and says, “Hey do ya mind? I’m eating here!”
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.
Confucius say “Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.”
Confucius say “Man who fart in Church sit in own pew.”
Confucius say “Man who belch after eating fart from mouth.”
Definition of a fart: A turd honking for the right of way!
Definition of bravery: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Definition of surprise: A fart with a lump in it!
A man had such a smelly fart once that he had to spend 15 years in jail… for air pollution.
Why don’t little girls fart? Because they don’t have assholes until they’re married.
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them too!
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.
What would you call a person who sends fart jokes by email all the time? A person who passes gas often.
What’s the sharpest thing in the world? A fart because it goes right through your trousers and doesn’t even leave a hole.
What do you get if you eat beans and onions? Tear Gas.
Better out than in, I always say.
“Darling,” says a husband coyly to his wife, “let’s swap positions tonight.” “What a good idea,” she replies. “You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I’ll sit in front of the TV and fart.”
What’s invisible and smells like carrots? Easter Bunny farts.
Why do Irishmen only put 239 beans in their chili? Because one more would make it too faaarty!
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent they would marry, he thought to himself, “She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this”, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP!!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, “I’m blind, but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight.”
So the lady gave him the pole and he said, “This pole is worth $45.” She was amazed at how cheap it was.
She picked up another really nice pole, handed it to the man and he said, “This pole is worth $55.” She decided it too was really cheap.
She then picked the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he said, “This pole is our best and it’s $70.” She told him she’d take it.
As he was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she needed to fart really, really badly. She decided that since the man was blind, it really wouldn’t matter if she farted in front of him, so she just let it rip.
All of a sudden the man said, “It all comes up to $80.” Confused, the lady said to him, “But you said the fishing pole was only $70.”
He said, “It is. It’s $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call.”
There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of farting every morning as he woke up. The noise would always wake up the wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. She would beg him to stop farting and he would tell her that he couldn’t help it.
One time, she asked him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He told her it was just a natural body function and then he would laugh at her as she tried to wave the fumes away. She told him there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, one day he was going to be “farting his guts out.”
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings. One Thanksgiving Day, before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She prepared pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.
With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs a few hours before her husband would awake. While he was still sleeping soundly, she pulled back the blankets and then gently pulled back her husband’s underwear. She then placed all of the turkey guts into his underwear, pulled them up, replaced the blankets and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
A few hours later, she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. The noise was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife couldn’t control herself and she laughed so hard she cried. After years of putting up with him, she’d finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, the husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and asked him what was wrong.
“Honey”, he said, “You were right. You warned me for years and I didn’t listen.” “What do you mean?” asked Martha.
“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days. Today it finally happened, but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I managed to get them all back in.”
A young man visits his girlfriend’s home to have dinner with her family for the first time. He’s extremely nervous. After they’re all seated at the table, their dog goes under the table and curls up under the young man’s chair.
While they’re eating and talking, he suddenly feels the pressure of gas against his sphincter. He attempts to hold it for awhile and, not thinking of excusing himself to go to the bathroom, he tries to slowly release a small fart just to ease the pressure. To his surprise, which he conceals, the fart makes a small noise.
His girlfriend’s father, sitting at the head of the table, yells “Fido!”
The young man thinks to himself that if the dog could take the blame for one of his farts, perhaps the dog could take the blame for another. He suddenly feels the pressure building up again. Not wanting to look like he has bowel problems, he attempts to slowly release another small fart. Unfortunately, there’s no mistaking the noise.
This time, the father yells “Fido! Get out of there!”
The young man, thinking it’s okay to let the dog take all the blame, starts feeling a little more confident. When the next bout of pressure starts to become too much to hold, he lets the fart rip at full force. The noise of it is almost deafening and echoes in the room.
“Damn it, Fido!” yells the father, “Get the hell over here before he poops on you.”